Finding Myself Through my Art

Art is the universal language of our world. It accentuates the beauty of our planets cultural diversity, and reflects remnants of our past, connecting us to the artists and creators of another time. Although the significance of Art in your own life may be different from another, I want to talk about how pursuing my passions and adventuring into different art forms got me through some of the worst points in my life, and guided me to finding love for myself again.

I grew up in a dysfunctional household, where you could feel this constant pressure of animosity. Although everything around me felt like it was moving so quickly, my life always felt stagnant. To get a better idea of who my parents are, my father comes across as a goofy, yet reserved man, but struggled mentally, financially and lived life around his pride. My mother was a caring woman, with a big heart but she had a small voice, and lived life around fear. Both struggled with their own demons and coped in their own ways. Whether or not they were meant to be if they were to meet at another time, the need to maintain the facade of this family left a scar in all our lives.

As a Filipino, the people in my culture are fantastic craftsmen, but work with very little. My dad made sure we understood how important it was to realize the opportunity we had in Canada, and drilled into us work ethic, discipline and utilizing our skills. In retrospect, he had the right idea, but because of my fear of failure, I lacked the motivation to try and pursue anything unless I immediately excelled at it. That, or at the very least, be at a level where I didn’t make mistakes more than once. Although I’ve grown to find my own peace from those days, I was absolutely terrified of my father. In turn, this led to me to a point where I never truly felt comfortable anywhere besides my room. I feared the possible consequences of making the wrong move, or even just to be around him at the wrong time. I took this with me everywhere and essentially walked around egg shells in every social interaction I had. This fear affected my relationships with family, friends and peers. At some point, I found myself trying to become a person I wasn’t just to avoid the possibility of being perceived in a way that I never intended. I just wanted to feel loved, and I just wanted to feel safe…

So naturally, I did what any teenager would do in the early 2000s— numb the brain with some good ol’ video games! I found myself consumed in games and hobbies, trying to completely shut the door on the world around me.

Now you might think this would lead to another stagnant period in my life, but this is actually where my passion for the arts truly began.

The first video game I really invested my time into was Fable by Lionhead Studios. (Fable is a role-playing game released on Xbox in September 2004. You play as a pre-destined character that essentially loses everyone as a child, and over time, is trained to become a hero. Based off your decisions, good or evil, your characters appearance and renown alters throughout the game.) I was captivated by the art style, the game soundtrack, but most of all, the storytelling. I found myself having empathy for characters in this game, and that completely changed how I viewed life moving forward. I wanted more… Eventually, this lead me to play Halo by Bungie Inc. Again, I found myself obsessed with the entirety of this game… The soundtrack, the lore, the relatability to our current society, etc… It got to a point where the worlds of all these games were all I could think about, and it felt like all these worlds were starting to converge with my own.

The next thing you know, I started ripping up left over cardboard boxes and began making my “JUN-A266 Spartan Inspired” suit. I took into account the Halloween costumes my parents and I made with cardboard and paper mache. I also went back on the days I would watch my dad build fibreglass bodykits for cars. In addition, I spent hours online following tips and tricks on forums and site posts by others that were making their own costumes and props.

Although, the feelings of fear and failure never truly went away, for the first time in years, I had something I was genuinely passionate about. I started feeling more confident on a daily basis, and although the social construct of school was still an ongoing struggle for me, I always had my passions to fall back on. I went on to fill my room with more props, sketchbooks and instruments.

Eventually, times yet again, flipped back to what they used to be. My dad was always a loose canon, and my mother wasn’t always around, so deep down I was always mentally prepared for the inevitable. In my mother’s defence, she felt helpless, and never had the support or confidence to stand up for herself. Although, for a brief time I was upset and confused, I always had the thought of running away myself, so I always understood deep down. That being said, my sister always came first. I needed to be there, even if I wasn’t always present. I slowly started sinking back into the numbness that guarded me from these experiences in the past, but this time, I was more angry than sad. I just wanted to feel numb and disappear from it all…

It was in one of these moments that I picked up my guitar and played for what felt like hours. Crying, belting and laughing… I felt hysterical. This time, in a good way. The moment felt UNBELIEVABLE to me... I was able to ease all my emotions, without feeling like I needed to inflict some form of self harm to nullify it. Immediately I knew that this is what I needed, so I proceeded to yet again centre my life around my Art. Although I didn’t necessarily become “masterful” with anything, I had more of an understanding for my self, and I used these new thoughts to better regulate my anger issues and mental struggles. Not only that, but I was able to gain new perspectives and develop my own creative directions, which lead me to fall deeply in love with writing and composing music.

I really, and I mean really, wanted to make this my life. I started going back to the music that really resonated with me growing up… The video game and movie soundtracks that really pulled me into an emotion, the songs my parents played when times were good, and also the music that accentuated the times that were not so great. All of it was important… By paying more attention to what these songs meant to me, I started to understand my parents perspective, and the realities of life a little bit more. I picked up my guitar and started writing. I wrote about the love that I was not ready to experience, I wrote about everything I hated about myself, and I wrote about how I felt towards my family. Eventually, I started refining my lyrics, almost as if writing my story in my music was helping me heal my inner child. I paid more attention to understanding why I felt both anger and compassion for my parents, and found that writing and composing was not just an effective medium for me to safely vent my feelings and come to terms with my past, but also a way to comfortably look forward to the future. As time progressed and I graduated high school, things started to seemingly fall into place…

I moved back to British Columbia to attend my first year of college, studying business. My family knew I always had a passion for music, (especially considering all the karaoke my grandmother put me through), and it was in this time that my grandfather introduced me to our family friends nephew, Troy Samson. Troy is a veteran in the Music industry, with music even I remember listening to on the radio growing up. As nervous as I was, and with no prior experience playing my music for anyone else besides my initial family, I pulled out my guitar and played him a couple songs I had written. It was then that he offered me my first internship in his studio, where I laid the foundation of who I am now as an artist. He was able to see something in me that I didn’t at the time, and he became not only my mentor, but a great friend. I learned a lot about patience, (something I mostly lacked at the time), which was the push I needed to seriously take my mental wellbeing seriously. I also found patience to be absolutely crucial skill when working with audio and collaborating with other artists.

I made tons of amazing memories and met many new friends in this experience. I learned to break out of my shell and grew more confident in my artistry and who I wanted to be.

A couple years later, I embarked on my own with just my laptop, a couple guitars and some cheap recording gear I bought off craigslist. I moved back to Winnipeg, Manitoba, gathered a few friends that wanted to put together a creative space, and we set up our first recording studio in the heart of Downtown Winnipeg. We started with a minimal budget, designed the space and built the recording booth from scratch, (thank you Home Depot). This studio brought together the people who helped form who I am today as an artist, including my life long partner.

We planned music videos and wrote songs as a group. We brainstormed ideas for the future of the space, and whatever else we could offer to empower music in our community. We had late nights of just jamming and celebrating the little things together. It was less us trying to structure a business, and more us working together to find a purpose for our passions.

We were all at this Winnipeg space for about a year, working with local artists and making music of our own before parting ways. Although we all shared the same dream and a similar vision, life can take you all sorts of places. Some of us went on to start families or pursued other career ventures, while some of us, (including myself), moved to British Columbia, Canada.

It started with my partner and myself, and over the next year a few others followed. Initially, we settled in my uncles basement suite and set up a home recording space to continue from where we left off in Winnipeg. We had little to no money, and no plan besides setting up new roots in British Columbia. We all settled into new jobs, and after some years of bouncing around, the opportunity came up to take over an in-expensive studio space that was in an artist community focused building located in Vancouver, British Columbia; The Beaumont Studios. We jumped on the chance, and turned this empty art room into a music recording space. Building both the recording booth and acoustic ceiling panels from scratch, we were finally back to making music like we did in Winnipeg.

Besides creating and recording in the studio, The Beaumont had the added benefit of a venue space that we were able to book out for our own shows and events. We decided it would be awesome to host events showcasing our clients works, giving us a chance to spread our brand and to create an opportunity for new artists, from any genre, to experience what it’s like to be on stage. If I'm being honest, these were some of the most stressful days of my life. But being within the energy of an artist fully expressing themselves in this way for the first time, and seeing how they shine in the spotlight— now that’s priceless.

Eventually, it was time to move to something bigger. The goal was to save money on renting the event hall, and operate all our shows in-house. We looked for a few months and found this warehouse space in Langley, British Columbia. The unit was previously leased to a chemical company, so we had our work cut out for us. This time, we brought the bones of our old recording booth, and re-assembled it to fit the new space.

Even though many mistakes were made along the way, we were able to have unforgettable experiences and learn so much in the process. We hosted live shows shows for our artists, and collaborated in events and projects with other local creatives. Although some of us we’re still working regular jobs during these times, we were able to put together a space where self expression was abundant, and most of all, it was something we were proud of.

Eventually, I decided to step away from the studio scene to focus my attention elsewhere. I decided it was time to start giving back to myself, and focus more energy on my own personal journey. Instead of focusing my art work to generate income, my artistry now lies in creating pieces that reflect who I am. Whether that’s in the form of a song, or in a graphic novel, they will all be pieces to reflect my own world.

No matter where life takes me, I will always have these experiences and memories to remind me of where I come from, and to keep me on my constant path to self enlightenment. Even as times change, our interests evolve and we all grow apart, I will always be grateful that I took the chance on myself and invested time into my passions and ambitions. I can confidently say that I have that much more of an understanding for myself because of this journey, despite everything else I experienced in my life.

Although things can be uncertain and sometimes it feels like everything can seemingly escape from you, the one thing that will always remain ours is these memories and feelings that reside in our hearts. At times you might feel worthless or insignificant, but If you look hard enough, there’s always something beautiful waiting to blossom from your experiences. Times are changing, and we as a society are beginning to realize the importance of what’s real. Having the right artistic medium to project your experiences is an important part of your personal growth. Whether your life is already basking in the light, or shrouded in complete darkness— your story is your art.